This is good – the ‘crossed out’ part is actually very important – so it’s great you indicated you should keep it in.
To develop this further:
1) Swimming is a very important motif in the film – think about Jerome and what happened to him – this means it’s used to explore the ideas of the film even more than you have mentioned. This is where your essay should go – towards the bigger picture, the competition between the brothers is important because… (Also, how does it end, and how is this important – the final swimming race as a way for Vincent to prove to his brother that he is capable of more than his pre-determined genetic destiny)
2) You’re allowed, even where you talk about one relationship, to bring other characters into your response – who else might help illuminate this idea of ‘perfection’? Irene?
3) Don’t forget to offer links to the wider world or to other texts
Nice going, though. So impressed to see you putting this time in.
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